Sunday, July 8, 2007
Back on Track!
It's amazing what reading a few good blogs and some heavy-duty introspection can do for you! After posting what I did below (the previous two posts), I went blog surfing and visited WW message boards.

Ironically, almost all of the posts I came upon dealt with exactly what I was going through. SO much good advice to be found and I decided I was NOT going to let this past week get me down, no matter how much I'd gained.

Instead of calling last week a "failure," I've changed my viewpoint to see it as a learning opportunity. If I can learn this much about myself and "reprogram" my thinking all because of a bad week, then it was definitely not a failure!

Knowing that I'm not alone and that what I went through is common was also very comforting. I now feel challenged and motivated. I'm NOT going to let food, or negative thinking, win.

I opened up my 3-month journal to my new week and, like one blog suggested, pretended I was doing WW for the very first time (this helps with motivation). I'm writing EVERYTHING down and thinking positive thoughts.

I'm reminding myself that the small amount of pleasure eating can bring me is not worth the weight gain and guilt that lasts much longer. I'm exercising more and the positive thinking has really turned things around for me.

I've stayed within my points for the past several days and have already lost the weight I'd gained last week. My hope is that I can come out with a net loss from the past two weeks.

I also had a long talk with my husband and shared with him how hurtful the things he had said were. Of course, being a man, he had no idea and felt really bad. He said he's tried to be as supportive as he can and didn't realize how I had taken his words. So that brought me much inner healing and peace, too.

So we'll see how things turn out on weigh-in day. I'm just so proud of myself for these strides I'm making....strides I never could make before. Turning a negative into a positive is a HUGE step for me and it's already showing on the scale. :)
posted by DietDiva @ 1:14 PM   57 comments
Thursday, July 5, 2007
One thing I forgot to mention in the post below on backsliding. I am on hormonal treatment for endometriosis and it's made my depression much worse. I find that when I'm depressed, I have a VERY hard time not overeating.

I also am more sensitive and insecure during this time. There was a crisis in my marriage that occured more than two years ago. It was during that time that I went from 145 to the weight I was when I started WW (170).

It wasn't until I had healed from the emotions of that crisis that I finally had successful weight loss. I had tried before and failed, and I know that was because the eating was a symptom of the crisis.

I had felt more free and more healed than ever before and that's when I finally start to shed the pounds. I know it's completely connected.

Well, unfortunately, now that these hormones have kicked in, I've been having trouble emotionally again. I find myself thinking about the crisis often, and feeling very insecure. I think there's a strong tie between that and my latest struggles.

One innocent remark from my husband keeps playing through my mind. He saw a picture of me at Christmas, pre-crisis. "Oh wow," he said. "You look really good in that picture. That must've been when you were thin."

I know he didn't realize how that would sound to me, but the truth was revealed in that statement. If I looked good, then I must've been thin. Meaning I don't look good to him now.

I asked him a few weeks ago, after losing 13 pounds, "So, do I look thinner to you?"

"No," he said. "You look the same. You've always looked good." (That's the fake prepared answer. And how can you not notice a 13-pound loss?) I know that he's afraid I'll stop where I am and not lose anymore weight if he tells me I look good.

I had mentioned that I was worried that, with my health problems, maybe it wasn't a good idea to diet right now. He quickly started arguing (not arguing, but making his point I should say) for why I should be dieting and why it's okay. To me, he just seemed a little too eager and anxious. Maybe it's just all in my head, but that's how it came off.

Yesterday I said, "So, do you think I look good at the weight I'm at now?" Bear in mind, I am 5' 9" and was down to 157, well within the normal limits of my weight range.

He said, "I always think you look good, but you look better at your goal weight."

While I know that's the truth, and I wouldn't want him to lie to me, it still stung. Deeply.

Where's the encouragement? The reassurance that I am loved and attractive no matter what? (sincerely, I mean...not just the pat, "have to say it" responses).

I think this hurt is setting me back. I am feeding my emotions with the very thing that is hurting me. I don't know why that is.

Maybe on a subconcious level, it's a bit of a rebellion? Like, I don't need to lose weight for YOU and dammit, I look good now! Plenty of other people seem to think so, so what is wrong with you?!

I feel like I always have to be perfect, and since I am far from perfect, especially now that I'm sick, I just feel like giving up.

When I was at the deepest point in my depression this past weekend, I said to my husband, "What good am I? Look at me, sitting in bed, good for nothing. Why am I even on this planet?"

He said, "For the times when you're not depressed."

Bad answer. That just made me want to crawl into a hole and die and reaffirmed my feelings that depressed = worthless.

I don't want to make him seem like the bad guy. I don't think he realizes what he's saying...typical male.

But in my overly sensitive state, these things have really affected me and my attempts to lose the weight.

I guess I need to sit down and do some reframing work and make this more about me, as it should be. It's just so hard to do that when you feel like a worthless failure.
posted by DietDiva @ 9:50 PM   13 comments
This week has been very rough. I've been so sick that I haven't been able to track my points, and when I can't plan, I don't do well. And then it's like a slippery slope. I do bad, think negatively, then mentally give up on the week.

I didn't go to my meeting today because I'm in too much pain. When I stepped on the scale myself this morning I had gained 4 pounds from last week. Today, I was going to go back to the plan but ended up caving into cravings.

I made a WW pumpkin spice cake recipe (5 points) that I was going to have for breakfast and I ended up eating tons of it tonight instead. :(

Again, I believe it's because mentally, I feel like I've already screwed up the week, so what's one more day. I know that logically that's not a good way to think, but there you have it.

I'm turning over to a new week in my 3-month journal tomorrow and hopefully that'll get me in the mindset I need to be in.

The pain subsided enough this morning for me to do a 20 minute mile on my treadmill, followed by some strength training, but then I paid for it later pain-wise. And it certainly wasn't enough to make up for the spice cake!

I'm just so depressed and disappointed in myself. I had been making so much progress and now it will probably take me two weeks just to lose what I gained this week.

Just when I thought I was doing such a great job....
posted by DietDiva @ 9:41 PM   3 comments
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Two Weigh-In's After Two Tough Weeks

Life has been so hectic that it's been hard to keep up with blogging. So I'm playing catch-up and posting two weigh-ins in one post.

Okay, last week's weigh-in, which came after vacationing and me "blowing it" most of the weekend:

159.2 pounds, down 1.6 pounds for the week, for a total LOSS of 11.6 pounds overall!!!! (I wasn't putting in ounces before but have since corrected that)

Now for today's weigh-in, which came after a HORRIBLY challenging week, eating-wise:

157.4 pounds, down 1.8 pounds for the week, for a total loss of 13.4 pounds overall!!!

I think all of the walking and activity helped work off some of the extra food I indulged in while on vacation.

This past week, my hormones have made me want to binge constantly. But I do the 10-minute rule (I think that's how long they give) where an urge will pass if you do something else to get through it. And it's worked.

For the times it hasn't, rather than throwing my hands up in the air and giving in, I am taking a different approach and counting what I've binged on.

I used to say "Oh well, I've already messed up. I might as well just keep eating and stop fighting it." Which led to horrible results.

And in doing this new method of thinking, I actually found that I wasn't really "blowing it." In fact, I still has a few extra weekly points left.

So a combination of reframing, distraction, positive thinking, accountability, no-guilt trips, and writing what I eat really paid off!

I thought for sure I would've gained with all of my slip-ups this week, but I am SO proud of myself for overcoming old patterns and making it through this hurdle. And losing weight at the same time! Wow, it feels so good, so empowering and so liberating!!

My goal for this week is to get to 155 or less. I'm less than four pounds away from 10%, too!!! But I think expecting to lose four pounds in a week is an unrealistic goal. If it happens, great. If not, I wasn't expecting it.

155 would definitely make me happy. That's the weight I got to when I did WW online by myself and it's where I got stuck. But at that time, it was a 10 pound loss. I'm THRILLED to be at 13.4 pounds lost, and hope that I don't hit a plateau again at 155.

Oh, and something that happened to me today at weigh-in just made my whole year. The lady taking my weight (LOVE her!) said to me, "Has anyone checked your weight range? You don't look like you need to be dieting!"

Oh, that just sent me over the moon!

We looked up my range which is 135-169, so I'm smack in the middle of normal. But for me, my ideal weight is 145 and I'm determined to get to it. Being told I look good now, though, certainly doesn't hurt! :)

So here are the stats:

Starting Weight:170.8
Week 2:166.5 (-4.2)(there was actually another six instead of a five but I don't like three sixes in a row so I fibbed.)
Week 3:163.8 (-2.8)
Week 4:160.8 (-3)(I missed a meeting sometime around this weight so I'm actually one week ahead of where they have me at in my folder...but to avoid confusion, I'll just post what's in my folder)
Week 5:159.2 (-1.6)
Week 6:157.4 (-1.8)

Again, for a grand total loss of 13.4 pounds.

This week's goal: Get to 155 or below. Continue to battle emotional eating with all the tools I've learned.

posted by DietDiva @ 10:54 PM   12 comments
Thursday, June 14, 2007
10 Pound Mark!

I did it! 10 pound loss baby!!! Today was weigh-in and I'm at 160.8 pounds, which is EXACTLY ten pounds lost. My goal this week is to not gain and hopefully even get into the 150's, despite leaving for vacation tomorrow.

Here are my stats so far:

Height: 5'9"
Starting Weight: 170.8
Today's Weight (5th week): 160.8
Goal Weight: 145
Pounds Left Until 10%: 7
Pounds Left Until Goal: 15

posted by DietDiva @ 7:03 PM   6 comments
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Had two weekends where I could not plan my food, which slowed my progress (I don't do well staying on program when I can't plan). I'm still losing, but I know it could've been better.

I'm facing a HUGE challenge this weekend as I go to the beach with my family. I'm trying to plan ahead and will bring low-point foods for the road. I know we'll probably be going to restaurants. I just have to choose wisely.

I found a new meeting place and love the dynamic there, so much better than where I was attending before. Everyone is so lively, friendly and supportive and the leader is less salesman-like than the previous one.

This location is farther away (about 20-25 minutes) but worth the drive. I can only go there for the next few weeks, however, as my kids start swimming lessons on the only day they have a meeting at this place.

So, I'll have to go back to my original meeting place while swimming lessons are on.

I bought Weight Watcher's Three Month Diary food planning thingie and love it. I also got their organizer on sale for $5 and keep all of my materials in there. I do so much better when I'm organized.

The three month diary is great as it has a place to measure yourself each month (to see if you're losing inches...since I plan to up my exercise soon this is important, because I might gain muscle weight). I also like being able to have all of my food tracked in one place so I can look back, rather than using the weekly booklets that end up taking up space and are hard to go through later on.

Everything fits in my organizer so I can take it with me wherever I go, especially the grocery store. I have my points calculator (the free cardboard, sliding one), dining out guide, etc. in there.

I bought a Weight Watchers point bracelet on sale for $4 and it's adorable! It's "pearl" and you move the heart-shaped clasp along based on how many points you've had for the day. Perfect for when you're on-the-go and can't always write down what you've eaten.

I learned a new motto at my last meeting that you might have already heard: "If you bite it, you write it. If you nibble, you scribble. If you drink it, you ink it. And if you chase it, you erase it." Cute. :)

So, after about four weeks on the program, I lost seven pounds total. Not bad but it could've been better. This is week five and I weigh in on Thursday so I'm hoping I might be able to break the 10 pound mark.

I am on hormonal treatments for endometriosis, however, which has caused me to start retaining water. I know my weight loss would be so much higher if it wasn't for that so I'm keeping that in mind.

I'll probably take a diuretic before my next weigh in just to make it fair.

posted by DietDiva @ 7:35 PM   7 comments
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Five Pounds in One Day!
Okay, I know this can't be "normal" but I lost five pounds in my first day of doing Weight Watchers. And I wasn't even following it fully (I had a bowl of Rice Chex last night when I got really hungry). I don't plan on starting it full-blast until Monday.

I'm still going to soak it all in, though and celebrate for today. Hooray!

posted by DietDiva @ 1:26 PM   5 comments
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