Sunday, July 8, 2007
Back on Track!
It's amazing what reading a few good blogs and some heavy-duty introspection can do for you! After posting what I did below (the previous two posts), I went blog surfing and visited WW message boards.

Ironically, almost all of the posts I came upon dealt with exactly what I was going through. SO much good advice to be found and I decided I was NOT going to let this past week get me down, no matter how much I'd gained.

Instead of calling last week a "failure," I've changed my viewpoint to see it as a learning opportunity. If I can learn this much about myself and "reprogram" my thinking all because of a bad week, then it was definitely not a failure!

Knowing that I'm not alone and that what I went through is common was also very comforting. I now feel challenged and motivated. I'm NOT going to let food, or negative thinking, win.

I opened up my 3-month journal to my new week and, like one blog suggested, pretended I was doing WW for the very first time (this helps with motivation). I'm writing EVERYTHING down and thinking positive thoughts.

I'm reminding myself that the small amount of pleasure eating can bring me is not worth the weight gain and guilt that lasts much longer. I'm exercising more and the positive thinking has really turned things around for me.

I've stayed within my points for the past several days and have already lost the weight I'd gained last week. My hope is that I can come out with a net loss from the past two weeks.

I also had a long talk with my husband and shared with him how hurtful the things he had said were. Of course, being a man, he had no idea and felt really bad. He said he's tried to be as supportive as he can and didn't realize how I had taken his words. So that brought me much inner healing and peace, too.

So we'll see how things turn out on weigh-in day. I'm just so proud of myself for these strides I'm making....strides I never could make before. Turning a negative into a positive is a HUGE step for me and it's already showing on the scale. :)
posted by DietDiva @ 1:14 PM   52 comments
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Emotions
One thing I forgot to mention in the post below on backsliding. I am on hormonal treatment for endometriosis and it's made my depression much worse. I find that when I'm depressed, I have a VERY hard time not overeating.

I also am more sensitive and insecure during this time. There was a crisis in my marriage that occured more than two years ago. It was during that time that I went from 145 to the weight I was when I started WW (170).

It wasn't until I had healed from the emotions of that crisis that I finally had successful weight loss. I had tried before and failed, and I know that was because the eating was a symptom of the crisis.

I had felt more free and more healed than ever before and that's when I finally start to shed the pounds. I know it's completely connected.

Well, unfortunately, now that these hormones have kicked in, I've been having trouble emotionally again. I find myself thinking about the crisis often, and feeling very insecure. I think there's a strong tie between that and my latest struggles.

One innocent remark from my husband keeps playing through my mind. He saw a picture of me at Christmas, pre-crisis. "Oh wow," he said. "You look really good in that picture. That must've been when you were thin."

I know he didn't realize how that would sound to me, but the truth was revealed in that statement. If I looked good, then I must've been thin. Meaning I don't look good to him now.

I asked him a few weeks ago, after losing 13 pounds, "So, do I look thinner to you?"

"No," he said. "You look the same. You've always looked good." (That's the fake prepared answer. And how can you not notice a 13-pound loss?) I know that he's afraid I'll stop where I am and not lose anymore weight if he tells me I look good.

I had mentioned that I was worried that, with my health problems, maybe it wasn't a good idea to diet right now. He quickly started arguing (not arguing, but making his point I should say) for why I should be dieting and why it's okay. To me, he just seemed a little too eager and anxious. Maybe it's just all in my head, but that's how it came off.

Yesterday I said, "So, do you think I look good at the weight I'm at now?" Bear in mind, I am 5' 9" and was down to 157, well within the normal limits of my weight range.

He said, "I always think you look good, but you look better at your goal weight."

While I know that's the truth, and I wouldn't want him to lie to me, it still stung. Deeply.

Where's the encouragement? The reassurance that I am loved and attractive no matter what? (sincerely, I mean...not just the pat, "have to say it" responses).

I think this hurt is setting me back. I am feeding my emotions with the very thing that is hurting me. I don't know why that is.

Maybe on a subconcious level, it's a bit of a rebellion? Like, I don't need to lose weight for YOU and dammit, I look good now! Plenty of other people seem to think so, so what is wrong with you?!

I feel like I always have to be perfect, and since I am far from perfect, especially now that I'm sick, I just feel like giving up.

When I was at the deepest point in my depression this past weekend, I said to my husband, "What good am I? Look at me, sitting in bed, good for nothing. Why am I even on this planet?"

He said, "For the times when you're not depressed."

Bad answer. That just made me want to crawl into a hole and die and reaffirmed my feelings that depressed = worthless.

I don't want to make him seem like the bad guy. I don't think he realizes what he's saying...typical male.

But in my overly sensitive state, these things have really affected me and my attempts to lose the weight.

I guess I need to sit down and do some reframing work and make this more about me, as it should be. It's just so hard to do that when you feel like a worthless failure.
posted by DietDiva @ 9:50 PM   12 comments
Backsliding
This week has been very rough. I've been so sick that I haven't been able to track my points, and when I can't plan, I don't do well. And then it's like a slippery slope. I do bad, think negatively, then mentally give up on the week.

I didn't go to my meeting today because I'm in too much pain. When I stepped on the scale myself this morning I had gained 4 pounds from last week. Today, I was going to go back to the plan but ended up caving into cravings.

I made a WW pumpkin spice cake recipe (5 points) that I was going to have for breakfast and I ended up eating tons of it tonight instead. :(

Again, I believe it's because mentally, I feel like I've already screwed up the week, so what's one more day. I know that logically that's not a good way to think, but there you have it.

I'm turning over to a new week in my 3-month journal tomorrow and hopefully that'll get me in the mindset I need to be in.

The pain subsided enough this morning for me to do a 20 minute mile on my treadmill, followed by some strength training, but then I paid for it later pain-wise. And it certainly wasn't enough to make up for the spice cake!

I'm just so depressed and disappointed in myself. I had been making so much progress and now it will probably take me two weeks just to lose what I gained this week.

Just when I thought I was doing such a great job....
posted by DietDiva @ 9:41 PM   3 comments
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